Tuesday, September 04, 2012


Light at the end of the tunnel? 
Is there a light? 
Do we make this tunnel up ourselves?

Sorry for the heavy thoughts but several conversations with different people over the last month have got my wheels turning on some issues in my life professionally and slightly personally.

I am currently putting a lot of caution to the wind with my ideas and I am not doubting myself but I am doubting what do I need to get what I want out of life right now. That to me means a balance and happiness. I want the freedom to do the things I love which are crafting and art, being a part of the community and contributing back. Am I doing that right now? The answer is yes, but it's not balanced. I am exhausted with little time to relax for myself or spend time with my husband. My day job fulfills it's need of paying my bills but once again it isn't balanced because I am incredibly unhappy with it. Then the questions come with no answers. Will I really be able to have more freedom with my own business when I start this yarn shop? All signs point to no. In terms of freedom lost it looks to me like traveling freedoms which I don't do a lot of as it is and perhaps some time at home. I will however be able to spend more time doing the things I love sewing, knitting, crafts and I could play my video games when I have my own downtime the perks of being the (boss and sole employee for awhile).

In other areas I am a bit exhausted of reaching for something that now seems unattainable because of other people making ill decisions and there is nothing I can do. I don't want to become completely jaded or disgruntled so I think I need to step away from this goal and be content with all the other amazing things that I am doing and have going for me. The biggest part of my reason for going back to school was interlinked with this goal so now I need to re-evaluate that as well.

Graduate school is still heavy on my thoughts but not in the same way it was before. I've been slowly working  my way into viewing myself in larger terms then just labels of Crafter and Fashion Designer. How to put into words my goals currently and how much they have changed in the last year since I have put aside one goal while forming another one not as clear but more profound to me.

I feel it is all a race right now to see what comes first. Yarn store, Grad School or starting a family (yes totally from left field).

Another difficult pill to swallow is that will I really be happy? All three of those choices means giving up a sense of luxury that I have had most of my life, whether it is apparent or not. The one thing my current job allows of me is knowing that I can feed my carnal bliss of clothing, accessories , books and supplies. How hard will it be to give that up? I've been diligently attempting an out of sight out of mind standpoint and only viewing what is current through the troves of pinterest and the monthly Lucky magazine I get (don't even ask why). I have somehow over the past year managed to only do majority of my "trend" shopping when I am traveling which has been good. I can not deny that I have a joy in consumerism.

I think all these points are what make up my tunnel right now and I'm not so sure there is a defined light at the end of this. I know I am not alone in this as I have talked to many friends and strangers over the month within my age range (early-mid 30's) who are just as perplexed as I am. People are no longer viewing jobs as their life long careers the way that our parents did. I think this whole analogy of light at the end of the tunnel for our hardships isn't quite right, there are too many variables and layers. We as a society have infinitely better and more opportunities now then ever. Which is also making it very confusing to decide which "tunnel" or "path" is the right one for you. Perhaps we have more ambition as a whole then past generations. It's hard for me to say definitively, but that is how I feel.

This all still leaves me shooting for three different courses of action and just getting over myself and as it were "treat yo self" attitude.

And now I will just pause and continue again after Indepdendents Day. Maybe some magical mystical light will shine on me as I gruel through the preparations of new attractions and setting up a new syllabus for my CCAD class.

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