Monday, May 07, 2012

Inspired to be Afraid

This morning I saw some local friends posting on their Blogs "Things I'm Afraid to tell you" which originated from Creature Comforts.  Not to hop on the bandwagon but how perfect is it to start off a Monday with some bits of truth?

Image from Creature Comforts

I'm always financially struggling. My husband and I keep separate accounts. I've been struggling since I graduated college due to a bad relationship where the guy put me into severe debt without my knowing (because we were engaged and I thought I could trust him).  Since then it has been a constant struggle for me to pay off the debts, draining my entire savings and now I'm building it back up very, very slowly.  When I do any shopping it is 90% on some sort of sale or deal, or I save up a rainy day stash and cut loose. I might have a shopping problem, I have more then once shopped first and delayed the bills which is part of my financial problems. I see my best friend buying designer bags and clothing and I get jealous and feel guilty that I haven't done better for myself.

I used to be a cutter when I was younger. I had a very rough time growing up emotionally so I turned to cutting in middle school and parts of high school till some things resolved at home. I never went deep enough to leave scars or when I did they are places you'd never see.

I never think I am good enough. I have a really hard time in believing in myself and my work artistically. I feel embarrassed most of the time when people compliment me because I don't think it's good enough.  Right now I am having an incredibly tough time with this from being rejected from Grad school this year. I would say I am still pretty depressed. It doesn't show all the time or everyday but I can feel the heaviness in my gut.

I'm afraid of having kids. I want them but I don't want all the changes and demands they will make on my life that I feel like I have barely lived. Cold feet, who knows. I don't want them to interfere with me and goals I have. I also am afraid of losing myself just to become _______'s (insert name here) mom. I don't want a child to become my personality, so I am afraid to becoming one of those moms who just posts pictures of their kids on facebook, uses their kids photo for their profile picture, someone who can't stop gushing about their child. There is nothing wrong with those people if that is what they want but that is NOT what I want for myself.

I'm afraid when I do have kids that they will never know their grandparents. One of the saddest things for me is having no grandparents there at my wedding day.

I'm afraid people think I am stupid or just superficial because I don't like to talk about things that are overly deep or political. I am an extremely emotional person I just wear my mask very well. I used to do nothing but think deeply and worry about the state of our government when I was young and it would get me very depressed. People would think me cold outside but as soon as I went home I couldn't stop crying and would do this for days or weeks. This was very destructive behavior so I left that all behind. I only fill my mind with surface distractions and avoid anything overly philosophical or political.

On the flip side let me tell you some things I am not afraid of.

Dying. It's inevitable so why worry about it?

The names of my 3 wonderful furballs.  Sir Benjamin Franklin, Princess Sophia Loren and Miss Rambo Flufflington

I'm never afraid to try anything new for a project or most anything in life in general. I try to live by my Motto "Jump into the Deep end" to keep me from being afraid of living life.

Failure, that just means I need to try harder the next time and learn some lessons along the way. 

I have an uncanny obsession with zombies. I am always prepping and  making note of my surroundings. I plan at least 2 exits and a hole up location where I could stay safely for 3-4 hours. I notice drywall, ventilation, possible weapons and food options.

So there is the worst and truth of it.
Tomorrow we get back to our normal programming!

1 comment:

  1. :hugs: I'm sure this wasn't easy to share, and I totally respect this kind of bravery on your part.

    Years ago, I lived in a second floor walk up whose only access was a fire escape, best zombie survival location I've found to date.